


Wakare wa kimi omou jikan sa (The goodbye is the moment when I think of you)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Anal Sex, Break Up, Confrontations, M/M, Oral Sex, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 06:46:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14743935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: He knew Yuya loved him.He knew it, because for months he had heard him say it every time they were done having sex.He wished he could’ve at least lied to him, but he couldn’t do that either.





	Wakare wa kimi omou jikan sa (The goodbye is the moment when I think of you)

**_Hold me till I break_ **

**_Tell me, naked as you are_ **

**_If you’re sincere, love me_ **

**_Catch me into your sweet trap_ **

**_Leave me drowning into the night._ **

**_[Water Dance, KAT-TUN]_ **

****

It was a feeling he had to learn to live with yet.

Yuya and him had gone to dinner together that night; they had talked about work, about their families, about the other guys.

They had had fun, like always.

Then, once it had been time to leave, Hikaru had asked him almost distractedly if he felt like coming to his place to drink something.

Once stepped inside, drinking had been the last of their thoughts.

Hikaru had pushed the elder against the wall, kissing him without letting him say a words, taking off his shirt quickly, attaching his neck and chest with his mouth.

He loved having the sound of his moans in his ears. He loved to feel his body tense beneath his hands.

He loved the way his hips arched toward him while he went lower, slowly, to let his expectation grow.

When he freed him from his pants and underwear, he looked at him almost smug.

He liked Yuya in that state. His cheeks flushed, the sweat on his forehead, the breathing getting heavy and his fingers brushing through his hair, silently asking him to do _something._

Not that Hikaru needed any hint.

He leant forward, taking the elder’s cock in his mouth, starting to lick on it slowly, wanting to make that feeling of power over him last.

He was like clay in his hands. His reactions were depending upon his mouth on him, the way his hands clawed his hips, doing nothing but making him moan louder.

He saw him wince when he slipped a finger inside of him, but it didn’t last long; his tongue seemed to be a nice enough distraction.

A little harder was to make that wince go away when a second finger joined the first, but Hikaru kept sucking on Yuya’s cock, without giving him time to think.

When he felt him coming he was ready to slip a third finger inside, still preparing, oblivious to the fact that the other’s legs seemed about to give out on him.

He pulled away from him, unceremoniously cleaning his mouth with the back of his free hand.

When Yuya opened his eyes again, his gaze showed reproach.

“Give me a minute, Hikka.” he said, his voice hoarse.

The younger didn’t even listen to him.

He backed off, gesturing for him to join him on the floor.

Takaki lied down, hissing when his back met the cold floor, and kept looking at Hikaru while the younger quickly took his clothes off and settled between his legs.

He looked at him for a moment, then he closed his eyes and allowed himself to sigh, before he thrust inside of him in one swift moment.

Yuya bit his lip, holding his breath, and the other man waited for the look on his face to relax a little before he started moving.

And when he did, he showed no tenderness.

He pushed inside Yuya’s body almost brutally, likely hurting him, but once again he couldn’t bring himself to care.

He held a hand on his hip, so tight that all he could think about was that the next morning he was going to have a bruise there; so he held him and let the elder hold him clawing his back, and he didn’t mind the scratches, he didn’t mind the burn of nails on his skin.

Being with Yuya that way was almost hypnotic.

It was hypnotic the look of ecstasy on his face.

It was hypnotic the feeling of his skin under his own, of his body clenching around his.

It was hypnotic his voice, his chocked moans, the way he said his name again and again, like a mantra, unable to stop.

His thrusts got harder and deeper, and before he completely lost control he rushed to bring a hand between their bodies, stroking the other’s cock, once again hard.

Soon, he felt him tense around him and come, arching his back and rolling his head.

It was an unreal moment, and Hikaru wished he could’ve stopped to get a better look at it, but he just had to keep moving.

He pushed inside one last time and then he let out a scream and came inside the elder’s body.

Then he collapsed on top of him, without caring of weighing on him.

He rested his head against his chest hearing his heartbeat,  fast, too fast.

He didn’t say a thing, there was nothing worth being said.

It had been going on like this for months.

They went out together, as usual, and then they ended up at one of their apartments to have sex, as if there was some silent agreement between them implying that they were going to end up in bed together.

When, as opposite to that night, they actually made it to the bed.

Hikaru didn’t know how it had happened. He just knew that every time he saw him he felt the need to jump him, to take him, to see that look of pure lust on his face.

To forget that the rest of the world existed, abandoning himself to Yuya’s presence inside that house, to the feeling that he could leave off those moments alone, off those meaningless nights.

“I love you, Hikka.” he heard Yuya murmur, his voice tired, while he felt his fingers brushing the same back where he had left the marks of his nails a few minutes before.

Hikaru kept quiet.

He wished he could’ve said he loved him too.

He wished he could’ve told him that those nights meant something more than the sheer physical contact, that his mind went beyond the animal instinct almost _demanding_ him to jump him.

But he couldn’t.

He knew Yuya loved him.

He knew it, because for months he had heard him say it every time they were done having sex.

He wished he could’ve at least lied to him, but he couldn’t do that either.

Hikaru didn’t love him; nor he thought he was ever going to do that.

He just took him during those nights, which had gotten more frequent, creating for him the illusion that there could be something more between them.

But it was just that, an illusion, and sooner or later he was going to have to wake up from it.

But he kept telling himself that there was still time, and the moment to open his eyes never came.

He kept lying on top of Yuya, still inside of him, still in silence.

And the other sighed, like he had gotten used to, holding him close as if he didn’t want to let him go.

And Hikaru, after all, didn’t want him to.

 

~

 

**_Love me, forbid me to lock my heart_ **

**_Lock me in your arms_ **

**_Use me, hold me tight_ **

****

Next morning he woke up with Yuya’s arms around his waist, and his head resting messily against his shoulder.

Hikaru sighed.

He didn’t like those mornings.

They made a perfect picture, too happy to be ruined by the thought that there was nothing into the whole situation to be actually happy about.

He slowly moved his arm, without tearing his eyes off the elder.

He brushed a finger over his forehead, moving the hair from his face. He sighed again.

He would've liked to learn loving that face.

He would've liked for Yuya to be able to make him feel that love he had never felt before, that which he had denied to himself, too scared to suffer.

But there was no solution to that problem.

The more he looked at him the more he thought he couldn’t love just out of being loved.

The more he looked at him, the more he envied him: Takaki didn’t seem to be scared of being hurt.

He kept coming back to him each time, even facing his silence, even living with the fact that he had never answered whenever he had told him he loved him.

It was stupid, and Hikaru couldn’t even understand how someone could inflict so much pain on himself. And as stupid as it was, he still envied him.

He saw him wiggle a little and then open his eyes, his eyelids heavy and his look sleepy.

He smiled, because it was all he could do for him.

“Good morning.” the elder said, frowning and closing his eyes again, the light annoying him.

Hikaru leant over him, pressing a soft kiss on his lips.

“Good morning.” he greeted him back, then he got up and quickly put a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants on. “I’ll fix something up for breakfast, how about that?” he asked, trying to sound as cheerful as possible.

He saw Yuya looking confused, but he didn’t bother explaining.

He went to the door, looking questioningly at him.

“Yes, that’s okay... thanks.” the elder replied, hesitatingly.

Hikaru nodded and headed toward the kitchen, started to making breakfast.

He heard Yuya go to the bathroom, and a few seconds later he heard the shower running.

Again, he felt something unpleasant.

It was all so natural.

He was there, making breakfast for Takaki while he showered.

He had his bathrobe and his towels, and a change of clothes in his closet.

Hikaru had a clear perception on how his presence had become a constant in that apartment, on how everything they did during those mornings actually seemed to belong to the life of a couple.

Even if it wasn’t like that at all.

He heard him get out of the bathroom, but he didn’t realize he was behind him until his hands were on his waist, and his chin on his shoulder.

He turned a little, forcing a smile.

“It’s ready.” he said, briefly closing his eyes and relishing the scent of his shower gel on the other’s body.

Yuya sat at the table while Hikaru put in front of him the sweet tamagoyaki and the bowls with the rice and miso soup; the he sat in front of him, looking at him eating for a while.

It took Yuya a while before he raised his eyes on him, nodding toward the plates in front of the younger.

“Aren’t you eating?” he asked, confused.

Hikaru shrugged.

“I'm not really hungry.” he murmured.

Yuya seemed to think about it for a moment, then he got up and reached his side of the table, kneeling in front of him and hugging him.

Yaotome felt a shiver down his spine.

He wished time could’ve frozen now, so that he wasn’t going to have to explain anything, so that his selfishness and his incapability to love couldn’t hurt Yuya.

But when the other pulled away and he saw that awaiting look on him, he knew that he couldn’t run from it, he knew that that transition phase between them had to head somewhere, and the he was the one who had to decide where.

“You’re... you’re not obliged to do this for me, Hikka. Letting me sleep here, making me breakfast, pretending...” he hesitated, biting his lip. “Pretending to be happy. It’s not necessary.” he murmured, lowering his eyes on the floor.

And Hikaru was glad that he wasn’t looking at him, because he wasn’t sure he was going to stand the weight of his eyes on him.

 

**_I’ll accept whatever punishment_ **

**_even falling asleep after drinking poison_ **

**_At least I’ll dream... forever._ **

****

He stood up, holding out a hand for Yuya to do the same.

He sighed, aware he had reached a point of no return.

He wasn’t going to allow himself to ignore the issue one more time. Ignoring the hope in Yuya’s eyes, ignoring his silent requests, ignoring the fact that there were too many unspoken things between them.

They had never told each other anything.

They had started sleeping together, they had started sneaking one in the other’s life, and never a word about what was happening between them.

Yuya’s love was the only thing out in the open, but everything else was still drowning in the darkness Hikaru had created around himself, around his inability of making things clear, around all he had never said, afraid the dream was going to end.

Now, it was time to talk.

“Yuya... I’m not forcing myself. I like having you here. I like making you breakfast, I like spoiling you, I like taking care of you. I like it, but...” he bit his lip, unsure as to how to explain what he felt. “I like it, but I still think it’s wrong. Because you and I...” Takaki interrupted him.

“Because it’s ‘you and I’ and it’s not ‘us’, right?” he murmured.

Hikaru felt those words hurting like a stab in his chest would've.

He lowered his eyes, nodding.

“I wish I could love you, Yuya. I wish this could become a daily routine, that we could be together as a couple, not as two people having sex. I wish... I wish I could love you.” he repeated, clenching his fists and clawing his palms, hurting himself.

“But you can't. I know that. I know you don’t love me, or you’d have said that every time I did.” Yuya replied. They both kept quiet for a while, then the elder made a bitter smile and went on. “I’m sorry I’ve told you. I didn’t want you to feel guilty for not reciprocating. I didn’t say it because of that, just because each time I felt like telling you, and I couldn’t hold back.” he shrugged, and Hikaru took a step forward, resting a hand on his arm, holding it.

“I’m not sorry you did. On the contrary, I’m glad. It’s beautiful to be loved, even if I’m not capable of loving you back.” he said, a dead serious look on his face.

He felt Yuya evade his hold, delicate but firm, and he pulled away from him. Slowly.

“We can't see each other anymore, Hikaru.” was all he said, and the younger nodded.

There was no other solution, they both knew that.

They could keep pretending things were normal between them, that their relationship actually meant something, that it was worth it.

And they had, until there had been nothing but silence between them.

Once they had started talking, it was like the levee had broken, and neither of them was able of standing the pressure of what they had just said.

Going on having sex knowing he wasn’t loved would've killed Yuya, going on having him there as if they were happy when he wasn’t capable of loving him would've killed Hikaru.

He kept still, while Yuya got away.

He kept still, while he went to the bedroom to put some clothes on, he kept still while he walked past him toward the front door, he kept still while he got out, gently closing the door behind his back.

He wished he could’ve told him something before letting him leave, but there was nothing to say. He wished the elder could’ve hated him for what he had done, for having deluded him into thinking this could bring something good, for not having pushed him away the moment he had realized they wanted different things.

Hikaru was tired.

He wanted to go back to bed, to sleep, without having to wake up again.

That’s what he wanted to do: close his eyes, forever. And forever linger in the certainty that what had happened these past few months had had a reason, that Yuya was the right man to be by his side.

But it wasn’t true, and he couldn’t lie to himself any longer.

He had nothing to offer, not to Yuya not to anyone else.

He was just empty inside, of that emptiness that not even dreams can fill, never completely, never in a lasting way.

He closed his eyes, collapsing on the floor as if his knees couldn’t keep him up anymore.

He was alone.

And something inside of him told him it was what he deserved. That he was going to stay like this forever.

He wanted to cry, but there weren’t tears inside of him.

Just sadness.


End file.
